A Fake Rolex Can Save your Life
Author : Pendekar Hussein, Founder of Total Urban Survival
What I absolutely love the most about criminals is their mindless dedication to getting petty, blingy shit and their slavish love of money. This trait makes them some of the most negotiable businesspeople on the planet. Anything can be bought, sold, or bartered for the right price…even your life for a Rolex. For those of you who don’t know, Rolex (you must have been living on Mount Emei in China as a hermit for the past 75 years studying Kungfu with wise Monk Chen), is the most iconic and probably the most sought-after luxury watch on the planet. It is also one of the most identifiable pieces of mobile luxury there is. If you’re a horologist like I am, you know very well that other names like Patek Philippe, Roger Dubois, and A. Lange & Söhne are equally, or some would argue even better, than Rolex. But on the streets of this planet, the Rolex is the Capo Di Tutti Capi and every coke dealer from Cali or corrupt army officer from Cairo knows it. And lusts for it.
Even notorious Mexican Drug Lord, Ivan Guzman, appreciates the stunning beauty of his gold Rolex Day-Date so much he tweeted about it. Good taste boss!
Because of the value, social status, and immediate noticeability of the Rolex brand, it is also one of the most counterfeited luxury brands in the world. Is that a credit to its greatness? Maybe and maybe not. But what it surely is, is an amazing bargaining chip when you’re about to get in some deep water with really nasty people who have the choice to deal with you or not. The reason I say “choice” is because you need to identify if they are negotiable and want something you have or if they just want you, hence, negotiations just came to a halt regardless of your sexy wristwatch.
Enter the decoy (read fake) Rolex.
The fake Rolex. Plague on my soul. Heathen. Godless. Bastard son of the accursed satan. Saracen of the watch world. Top-grade stainless steel, 1:1 weight with the original, sapphire glass, Swiss ETA movement. And fully functional bargaining chip that can readily stop someone from harming you or your family.
Satan’s little brother
The fake Rolex comes in many shapes and sizes: piece of shit, passable, wannabe gangster, and exotic high-grades with ETA movements and picture-perfect cases as you can see in the decoy Submariner model above. They can be purchased online through a myriad swill of disreputable dealers, night markets all over Southeast Asia, and through top-class organized crime connected dealers who sell man-2-man to reduce risks to their operations. I source all my decoys from the organized crime syndicates. They use well-schooled watchmakers, usually somewhere in Asia, and the end product is a far more sophisticated decoy capable of fooling even a discerning eye. And I just prefer dealing with Triads and Yakuza, they’re much more professional than the clowns with the boxes in the night markets and can get quantity for my friends, if needed.
Lady Gaga tweeted about stopping off in Bangkok and going to the market to buy a fake Rolex to the horror of Thais and horologists everywhere. Firstly, that’s insulting and I hate you, Gaga. Secondly, you don’t know where to get the good shit anyway. But if you buy me a real one I’ll hook you up, baby!
Will my fake Rolex dupe a skilled watchmaker?
The easy answer to this question is, no. If you hand over a top-grade fake to any Ahmed Habibi in Pakistan or Joe Blow Smith in Texas they probably will never be able to tell it isn’t real. The top-grade duplicates are that good and I’ve fooled very adept watch enthusiasts with them. And all that old style jank and falling off parts you get from cheap night market watches is nowhere in sight. The top-grade Rolex knockoff sold to you by a Yakuza affiliate or a Chinese Triad is indistinguishable from the real thing, even for a well-tuned eye…until you take it to a professional watchmaker or the fake manufacturer made a mistake in something. The moment the back is opened and the movement is exposed, the game is over and they will see the reality inside (Hong Kong night market crap) or the Swiss ETA (Great movement but not a fucking Rolex caliber!) that powers the watch. So all that nonsense the fake watch sites talk about “fooling the experts” is just a pile of poop. It’s like saying you can fool a jeweler with fake gold. Really Einstein? Come on. You’re not fooling any experts no matter how good your decoy is because it ain’t a Rolex caliber and the gold and jewels surely are not real. What the expert will tell you is that you have a very, very good fake watch but they can’t service it. They won’t even call it a “Rolex” out of respect for the real thing. Well…it’s probably better named a Fauxlex anyway.
Will my fake Rolex dupe an Ethiopian border guard who wants to jail me for overstaying my visa?
Yes, it will. The top-grade copies are that good they can fake out almost anyone who isn’t a watchmaker. Especially wannabes and corrupt law enforcement in third-world countries who think anyone with a Western passport can buy a Rolex with a month’s salary. Those people want to be fooled because they want your property and are just looking for a reason to take it without causing an international incident that will involve embassies.
Your decoy Rolex can save your life if your life wasn’t part of the negotiation
The nasty bastards who want to do harm to you and your family have one thing in common: they want to get what you have without incident. That means you have a negotiable miscreant in front of you you can do business with if there is no other choice. Take this as an example. You overstayed your visa at the Thai border with Myanmar and get caught smoking a joint at a local club. Your bad luck, the cop who picks on you is the meanest, dirtiest one of the lot and he has the power to put you in jail then and there, or stamp your passport and put you on the next plane. He wants a bribe, you got no money left cause you spent it on buying stuff for your family and friends back home. Now you’re facing days in jail in Myanmar waiting to get processed and sent home. The people in that jail will likely be a mix of hard criminals, innocent victims, religiously persecuted minorities, and anyone who looked at the cops on a bad day. This isn’t going to be fun. On top of that, you have to survive on their filthy water, rotten prison food full of maggots, dozens of men to a toilet, navigate real criminals looking for a western bitch (don’t drop your soap crowd), and a host of other miseries. But God almighty smiled on you and you read the Totalurbansurvival.com blog from that dude Hussein, and before all of this bullshit ever happens, you pull out your decoy Rolex, pretend to be heartbroken, and make a deal to trade your dead father’s “heirloom watch” for your exit stamp and escort over to the Thai side of the border. Aren’t you such a smart guy.
My dear reader, this is an example, I’ve got many in my head and many I’ve done myself but you get the jist of what I’m saying. Regarding the negotiations…the key thing with negotiating is to make the watch the last thing to offer after you’ve exhausted all avenues of discussion. That way it gets them into the mood to do business and the watch seems that much more valuable because you didn’t hand it over at the very beginning. Miscreants who didn’t plan to kill you initially are not that difficult to negotiate with, especially if you make the path easier for them and seem like you just want to fix the problem fast and go home. In their mind you’re a free lunch and getting rid of you on the next plane, train, or bus is like losing the evidence. Perfect. If they planned to disappear you, no Rolex is going to help. They’ll slit your throat and take it from the corpse…it’s a different crowd you’re dealing with now. I stumbled on some corrupt “law enforcement” fuckers in Asia shooting a drug dealer and robbing him in an abandoned housing area I used to train at. I didn’t bother to negotiate anything, I took off and disappeared. They would have shot me just as quick and made it look like I “attacked” them to help my dealer friend. Be smart and know when to negotiate and when to get out of Dodge. Their uniforms don’t mean a damn thing, they’re gangsters, through and through. So treat them as such and have zero trust…leave.
Which decoy Rolex should you buy?
The skill in this is to understand that the decoy Rolex is a decoy, not a bling item or a tool to get girls at clubs. The watch is there as a way for you to buy your freedom if you get into trouble, hence, it has to match you and your look perfectly. If it doesn’t it will actually destroy your chances of winning your freedom and get you into more trouble. If corrupt cops or criminals find out you’re scamming them, just wait for the result, they’ll put you under the fucking jail…or worse, they’ll lose your case file and you’ll be stuck in that place for months. So when choosing, choose what suits you and your personality and lifestyle. Ask yourself, if you could buy any Rolex today, what would it be? The way I dress and carry myself, I can pull off a gold Rolex Submariner even if I stay at a business hotel with only 3 stars. A 20-year old backpacker in torn jeans and flip-flops wearing the same watch won’t pass the discerning eye of a seasoned scoundrel. So be realistic, don’t look for bling, and choose what’s right for your style.
Behold the real 18k gold Rolex Submariner. This puppy can easily run you over $30,000 USD. So much blood has been spilled on the streets of the world for it.
In conclusion, I must say clearly that I don’t believe it’s a good thing to buy fake luxury watches simply for the style of it and to look rich. If you want to buy a watch, respect the company that works hard to make it and buy what you can afford, or save for what you want. “Fake watches are for fake people” as the rich bastards in the Swiss watch industry want us to know. But they’re right, even if we dislike hearing it. Now that that public service message is out…go buy a fake Rolex! Because before being politically correct, I’m tactically correct, and I care about winning much more than I care about being fair. A high-grade decoy can literally save your life or the life of someone you love. I’d pay $250 for that insurance policy, how about you?